You are my favorite doctor, ever. You understand me, you are always there, you do what's best and proper and decent. The support-staff belonging to your parent (and competitor) companies, not so much. I shall, with dramatic flair, haltingly, dictate this true tale of misery and woe [leaving you and H-Bomb (your Nurse) blameless, praised, deservedly] encountered along my unfortunate series of medical maladventures.. Enjoy.
This tale of torture began with the 'SYMPTOM.EMBARRASSING scare' of a few months ago.. I told you I was concerned, you understood, you called for a test. [Regardless of my nonexistent health insurance, billing at your lowest rate] Life got distracting, I filed SYMPTOM.EMBARRASSING under the 'nothing you can do, they always call' category ..apparently, so did your records-staff.. A month later, when I got a bill [not even slightly discounted] I remembered, I called, "Everything's a-ok, thanks for reminding us." ..Something about that bothered me.. Misplaced.
Then, trouble. You saw me right away, you heard me, you understood. H-Bomb made me promise. That promise, alone, may well have saved my life ..Thank You.. Injury, Triumph.
Aside: PROVIDER.SOUTH gave me their greenest, pimple-faced Intern, fresh out of technical 'college' to help me work through my tough time.. Insult.
Then, for a long scary day, my progeny tested positive for DISEASE.PANIC.ALL and everybody we knew had to be inoculated. [Instinct, call my favorite doctor, unavailable] "I've been away for a while, do I need to be treated, is there a test I can take to avoid consuming PILL.SKETCHY unnecessarily?" Phone-staff: "I can squeeze you in, two days, maybe three".. Fail.
I ran to Urgent Care ..because..well.. DISEASE.PANIC.ALL is BAD, right? [The news media loves to scare us with that one] They explained that a PROCEDURE.RISK.9 is the only True Test ..fine, give me PILL.SKETCHY.. The CDC eventually weighed in.. False Alarm.
Then, I started having SYMPTOM.DANGER, one of the universal BAD side effects you read about, warned to watch for with most every other PILL.SKETCHY. Having recently lost faith in your phone-staff, I called Urgent Care. I explained that I was taking PILL.SKETCHY. They said the ER had to test SYMPTOM.DANGER. I went, tested, waited, nothing wrong. My Port-a-doc said, "That's not a listed side effect." He had to check again with his free smartfhone app. Turns out [after a quick search] that it is perfectly safe, and often expected, to experience SYMPTOM.DANGER for a few days after taking a potent dose of PILL.SKETCHY.. Fail.
Somewhere, in the midst of all this, when I recognized my life was shaping up to be a Tragedy, I applied for financial assistance, got it, after only two months. Thank you PROVIDER.PREFERRED, truly. I owed significantly for your quality services which are provided in good faith. It was uplifting to watch debt evaporate instead of condense.. Appreciation.
Then, memory grows a little fuzzy as I dealt again with my old nemesis: AFFLICTION. This time it went all out: AFFLICTION.WORSE with SYMPTOM.BAD, SYMPTOM.WORSE, and SYMPTOM.HORRIBLE [nothing funny about that last symptom].. Injury.
I remember going to the hospital, clearly exhibiting SYMPTOM.WORSE. I was seen, properly, when it was my turn. [Emergency Room: I get it, priority] The Port-a-doc came in, performed EXAM.INDELICATE for AFFLICTION.WORSE, asked a few questions, left. A previously AFFLICTION.WORSE.PAIN.8, rocked all the way up to AFFLICTION.WORSE.PAIN.11. An indeterminable interval of time passed, reality was foggy. Next thing I knew, it was amateur hour in the SCAN.VISUAL lab. I was the puppet for two children, hanging me this way, that, not clear enough, take it again, relax, hold still, hold still ..all of which were potentially dangerous, excruciating positions for a person with AFFLICTION.WORSE, alongside lowering any hope for further progeny with each, bad, SCAN.VISUAL taken.. for far too long. The rest of that visit was lost to the ethers.. Spectacular Fail.
PILLS.CAUTION were, and have continued to be, offered, [freely, always, pressing] which is appreciated, [a little disconcerting] but, well, frankly, dangerous. I represent the clinical-perfect scenario to breed yet another pill addict awaiting actual treatment ..no thanks, I have plenty-enough problems already.. Temptation.
I went back, a few nights later.. (somehow) it'd gotten worse. I'd had enough, mercy, surrender, give me the PILLS.CAUTION. I sat in the ER again, exhibiting SYMPTOM.HORRIBLE, for longer than it probably should have taken, this time. I received the 'faker' treatment. My nurse, during the long walk to a supply-less room, clearly, indiscreetly, mouthed "junky" to another. Ouch. I explained, honestly, AFFLICTION.WORSE.PAIN.10, was given an injection in the butt, not gently, while being told it would help with the pain, immediately, it didn't. I can only speculate as to the actual content received.. Insult.
The SCAN.VISUALs came out fuzzy, you sent me for a SCAN.VISUAL.BETTER, quick. Result: I actually have AFFLICTION.WORSE, not just faking for drugs ..referral to PROVIDER.NORTH.SPECIALIST, an agonizing one month wait.. They presented their own particular brand of displeasure: violation of Privacy Rights, public embarrassment. [That's a whole other letter] They pushed for a barbaric TREATMENT.NEVER cure ..pass, next.. TREATMENT.PREFERRED.ALPHA, perfect. Earliest is eight days away ..I can do this.. 8,7,6,5,4, "Our most sincere apologies..beyond our control..three more weeks".. Sucker Punch.
I voiced my despair ..to all that would hear, to some that were tired of my weary voice.. I hunted for another provider, sooner, nada. [No insurance..no money..no thanks] I am now [thank you H-Bomb] on the 'exclusive' short-list for cancellations. Unfortunately.. since my stomach has to be empty, nothing but clear liquids, for TREATMENT.PREFERRED.ALPHA, and that I don't know when it will be, as little as one-hour-notice, dietary protocol is severely disrupted until/if they call.. I've already lost WEIGHT.DISCONCERTING pounds due to AFFLICTION.WORSE ..Two more anvils to juggle in my already un-balancing act.. Haunting the phone, hurt, angry, [hungry,] praying, just waiting for that one call, to tell you it's over.. Cruel.
I was provided a book, which I finally cracked, outlining [photographs with circles & arrows & a paragraph] precisely how I could make AFFLICTION.WORSE suck less.. Special-doc had made me swear that I would not attempt any of it until after my first TREATMENT.PREFERRED.BETA session ..three weeks away.. Surrender.
I barely survived a severe bout of 'magnificent medical malfunction,' a prevalent condition these days, so I hear, growing worse. My experience is an obvious symptom, I don't pretend to know the cure. You and H-Bomb are awesome though, I love you guys, truly. It's the company you keep that I am forced to question...